The frequency of this occurrence temps you into taking some of your roommates pills. You wonder how long you can go before you step forward, car honks and you just don’t move.
In the beginning you would lie awake, restarting the album playing on your stereo as it came to an end, over and over. You would toss and turn, trying to clear your mind for mere moments before you found her sneaking back in. You’d make yourself so sad imagining the mundane occurrences in the relationship you’ve created in your head. You think about running into your ex-girlfriend the other week and how in an attempt at diplomacy, you made a bad joke and were greeted by a turned back and what you can only imagine must have been a disgusted face and rolled eyes.
By now you’ve begun staying awake, playing video games until 3am in an attempt to exhaust yourself into sleep. You might also put a movie on or paint a picture. This works in the short run as you have managed to become so exhausted that you are able to sleep through the night without waking up once.
This of course lasts until your mind is once again able to form thoughts and idea’s and you find yourself tossing and turning, restarting that album over again, thinking of how everyone must have laughed at you and your failed joke.
As a child you could never fall asleep until your parents assured you that the mummies in Egypt couldn’t possibly cross the ocean to your home. Even if aliens wanted to abduct you, your yard is too small for a spacecraft to land on it and ghosts cannot pass through your locked bedroom door.
As an adult, perhaps to seek similar reassurances, you find yourself asking the same question every night:
“Are you OK?” to which you always respond:
“Define OK.”
So you step forward, miss car, stand in front of your home, stare into the windows for what seems like an hour, step forward, open door, pour coffee, read until you realize that nothing has sunk in, feel anxious, play a video game but don’t move and lose your lives, toss and turn and assure yourself that you are in fact, OK.